There's a tradition at RC that at the end of a batch, one should write a return statement to reflect on their experience. Since I'm only half way done, I want to return a promise instead.
Before coming to RC, I wondered if it was going to be "transformative." Some people quoted on the website described it in such terms, and I was curious if I would feel something similar. Spoiler alert: it has not been transformative.
But, it has been healing.
I came from an environment (college) where work was a source of consumptive stress. Failure felt like the end of the world. I cared deeply about what I did -- otherwise I would have been able to slack off -- but my intrinsic love felt swamped by extrinsic fears. Being at RC has felt really freeing; whether an individual project fails or not, the effort I put in is the success.
Much of what I have done thus far has been unexpected. I did not expect to do much JavaScript at RC, or enjoy it as much as I have. Playing around with browser extensions has turned from a deeply confusing mess to something where I can take an idea and turn out partially working code in a day! As part of that, I've had fun building my own instincts to build, even outside of coding. My copy and paste extension is just something I want, and I see other areas across my life where I can make little improvements. Not in an "optimizer" way, but in a "I think this room needs a cat door" sort of way.
All of this is good. And useful to say. (Another habit I've built at RC is not focusing solely on how a situation is difficult). But as I'm returning a promise, rather than a statement, I think there's value in reflecting on where I would like to grow further.
Overall, I think I have done a good job at "working at the edge of my abilities." I'm quite junior; everything is at edge of my abilities! As mentioned above, I feel my "volitional muscles" growing stronger. But, I don't think I have been as good at "learning generously, or learning from other's generosity.
The most obvious manifestation of this dynamic is pairing. As is common, I wish that I paired more over the first six weeks of my batch. Doing ARENA exercises, I paired quite a bit, but haven't much with the browser extensions. Outside of ARENA, I've probably paired only once or twice a week, and I'd like to do more. The biggest barrier for me has been a scheduling thing; without a set time each day to pair, it always feels like a distraction from the projects that I want to be working on. Maybe I should set up a weekly "pair hour." Or revive it. Or just find the thing that probably already exists on the calendar.
Another challenge has been how to balance pairing on a) my projects b) the other person's projects c) things in between. It feels almost selfish to suggest that we work on my project, but perhaps that's silly. That gives the other person something new to experience, and I think I need to work through that hang-up. I'd like to do a small (weeklong) project with someone as well; I think I'd learn a lot from that.
Pairing is not the only place where I have not been as good of a community member as I would have hoped. I have not done a good job keeping the coffee chats, or reaching out to remote folks. I probably should reduce the number of chats I am paired on in exchange for increasing my attendance. My number of unread direct messages has piled up, and I think that I became a little paralyzed.
I think ARENA has played a role in this. For a couple of weeks, it felt like the only thing that I was working on, and scheduling things outside of that felt difficult. I took the past week and a half off from doing exercise sets, and I'm happy with that decision. But it's something I'll reflect on going forwards: what is the best way for me to remain involved with that group while still feeling freeing to float around more?
I have made a conscious decision to not think about jobs, and I think I'll stick with that. Emotionally, I'm still a little bit uncertain about Epic, but I don't think it is helpful to dwell on. The most important lesson I can learn from RC is not a particular coding style, but a way of moving through the world. For better or for worse, I don't think that job-preparations jibe well with developing my inner poise at this moment in time. So I'll treat RC more like a sabbatical than a wholesome bootcamp. But we shall see. Things could change.
No matter what happens, I promise that I will live the next six weeks generously, and at the edge of my abilities!