I'm reading a book called The Coaching Habit so I can coach my team better and specifically make my 1:1s with them more productive. While reading, I came across a quote by Peter Block who defines an adult-to-adult relationship as one in which you are
able to ask for what you want, knowing that the answer may be No and negotiating the difference.
I really like this quote. Over the years, I've gotten pretty good at hearing the word 'No'. It doesn't weigh on me as much as it used to. But saying 'No' is often still a challenge. I'm not talking about things like declining a dinner invitation or refusing a customer who's asking for special treatment. In these situations, I don't feel like I'm expected to say yes. So saying 'No' is easy. The challenge arises when there's a conflict.
This past month, there's been an ongoing conflict related to the use of the AC at the coffee shop where I and a few others practice yoga. We rent a room on the second floor of this coffee shop from 6am to 8:30am. There are two ACs on the second floor which we keep turned off because the cool air prevents natural sweating and muscles from loosening. However, if the office people arrive before 8:30am, they turn on both ACs while we're in the middle of our practice.
On these days, I've told them to turn the AC off until we're done. One day, I was the only one practicing and I had to tell this to a dozen people outside the room. I will never forget the bugged looks I got back. Eventually their leader spoke up and we decided that they can turn on the AC further away from the room. The other AC which blows directly into my room must remain off. The way I see it, we pay rent till 8:30am, we should be able to control the temperature till 8:30am. This reasoning gave me the courage to negotiate, although I did feel a bit anxious going up against so many.
Then, a few days later, I entered the coffee shop (I'm usually the first one in) and it was freezing, literally 18 degrees Celsius. Both ACs had been left on all night, which is not uncommon in this wasteful desert paradise. In the past I've just turned them off and opened the windows. But on this day, there was paper taped over both controls saying 'Do not turn the AC off' in all capital letters. This gave me pause. Who wrote it? What's the reason behind it? Even though I didn't know the answers, my inner voice was saying comply, comply, comply. Avoid conflict. Don't say 'No'. But after some consideration and Peter Block's quote fresh in my mind, I decided to override that voice. I did not comply. I twisted my index finger under the taped paper and turned both ACs off. And I would do it again.
Five minutes into my practice, the caretaker entered my room with a phone in his hand saying someone wants to speak to me. The man on the other end introduced himself as some authority figure and told me to turn the AC back on. He listed some vague reasons, compressor this, compressor that, costs, etc... which I didn't care to understand. But then he asked me in an accusing tone, why I turned it off despite the note saying not to. Peter Block would find this question childish. After all, two adults should be able to ask each other for what they want. They should expect a possible answer to be 'No' and be prepared to negotiate the difference. I didn't throw these wise words back at him, but that's what was going through my head. And it emboldened me further. I simply told him the room is unusable for yoga with the AC on and we've paid rent for the room. After some filler words, he said he will talk to the owner terminating the contract and giving a refund. I said great and hung up.
I think for many of us, we too often don't consider that saying 'No' is an option. This could be due to the way we were raised or the innate personality we were born with. And it's even harder when we live our lives on autopilot which favors the path of least resistance. Peter Block's quote is a great reminder that between two adults, saying 'No' is always an option and not something to feel weird or anxious about. So next time you're being ask to do something, pause, and consider saying 'No' more than you normally would. The other party should expect this. And you both should be prepared to negotiate.