Background
A couple months ago, I was the Wizard of Loneliness. I had graduated from college almost two years prior and, while I had luckily found a job, I was unsuccessful in finding friends.
Each night, I would look up “how to make friends after college” and find the same advice given every time: “do your hobby with other people, frequently”.
On paper, the gym seemed like the perfect opportunity to meet people since I would go there nearly every day; however, according to Reddit, there’s a number of people who want to be left alone and can be irritated if you interrupted their workout to talk.
I am deeply afraid of irritating someone or being in awkward situations. Here’s a list of things that I did as a result of that fear:
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Hesitated for a couple minutes before waking up my roommate when the fire alarm went off
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Pretended I didn’t know a childhood friend when they said hi because I didn’t know how to act around people I used to know
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Ignored people I knew from class instead of saying hi because I didn’t know for sure if they remembered me even though the class had only 10 people in it
So you can understand when I say that walking up to someone and starting a conversation with them at the gym of all places is kinda terrifying for me.
Unfortunately, there was no other good option. My other hobby is programming, but the Syracuse Development group only meets up once a month, and activities suggested by r/Syracuse like volleyball and trivia night require you to already have friends. I didn’t have a choice. If I wanted friends, I would have to put in the work at the gym.
Problem Statement
I am lonely and have no friends.
Procedure
I decided to run a little experiment to find some friends.
Each day, for one month, I picked out one person to approach. Usually it would be someone I saw frequently at the gym.
Then, I would approach them, wave or tap them on the shoulder to get their attention, and then give them my opening line.
Initially, my opening line for everyone was “Hey I see you here all the time. You’re pretty strong. What’s your split?” After a week or so, I began customizing the opening line per person based on what I found interesting about them.
For instance, someone was wearing a Boston hat and I was curious whether they went to school in Boston like I did, so I asked them about it. After the opening line, I tried to talk to them for 5-10 minutes until they let me go. I tried not to be the one to end it because I have a habit of ending conversations early.
Results
Here’s the raw data. I split it up by week and put it into these collapsible things because it takes up a lot of space. Click on each week to see the data for that week.
Description is a short description of the person.
Length is how long the conversation was. A short conversation is 0-2 minutes, a medium conversation is 5-7 minutes, and a long conversation is 10+ minutes.
Notes are just anything interesting about the conversation or the person I was talking to.
Aftermath is what happened after that conversation.
Week 1 (7)
| Description | Length | Notes | Aftermath |
|---|---|---|---|
| Upstate Medical University Student | Medium | He is indeed an Upstate Med student | He sometimes comes up to me to have short conversations. I don't see him anymore |
| Big guy who wears a brown hat | Long | I actually reached out to him on Instagram first. Then I met him that same day to continue the conversation | We say hi and talk about our lives sometimes. He is a very friendly guy who is always down to chat. He knows a lot of people at the gym and gives good advice on fitness |
| CS major looking for a job | Long | Very talkative and friendly | He found a job and moved away |
| Medical coder | Medium | He noticed I did weighted dips and said I was strong | Usually I wave, but I don't see him at the gym anymore |
| Guy wearing Boston hat (nurse) | Medium | I was unsure if it was a good conversation because he started lifting while I was talking. But I think he just wanted to do both at the same time | I initiated two more conversations but now we don't interact |
| Guy who lives downtown | Medium | I asked him if he worked downtown since he looked familiar; he said no, but he lived there. | We chatted every day for a couple weeks. We're busier now but we still chat every week |
| Mech eng with moustache | Short | I asked him a question, he answered and left. I guess he didn't want to talk | We don't interact |
Week 2 (10)
| Description | Length | Notes | Aftermath |
|---|---|---|---|
| Guy with deep voice and likes to wear green | Medium | Reserved. I made him laugh bc I said he seemed scary. He also ended up using my opening line to introduce himself to someone else at the gym! | We say hi sometimes but usually don't interact |
| Big guy 1 | Medium | I asked him for his split and he sent me his training regimen on Instagram | We say hi sometimes and he gives advice |
| Guy with curly hair and likes to wear black | Short | Gave me tips on chest press and offered to let me borrow his straps, but didn't want to talk much. I thought it went badly... | I rarely see him, but we fist bump each other whenever we see each other. So, not as bad as I thought it was |
| Girl with glasses | Short | Curt. Didn't ask any questions back. Felt like she was waiting for me to finish | We don't interact |
| Guy who wears darcsport | Short | Very chill and reserved. Prefers not to talk much | We wave to each other sometimes but we usually don't interact |
| Guy wearing maple leaf hat | Short | I asked if he was Canadian. He wasn't. The end | We don't interact |
| Woman who comes with her friend | Short | Comes with a friend to workout. I think she's from Columbia | I say hi to her each day. Our conversations are short but sweet |
| Guy who works at lotte biologics | Medium | He likes to golf and eat salmon | We say hi and talk about our exercises whenever we see each other |
| Guy who bought a protein drink from Crunch | Medium | I asked him about his protein drink. He said to buy it in bulk at Walmart or get a chicken bowl from Chipotle | I initiated one more conversation but now we don't interact |
| Wiry older guy who sprints across the gym to warm up | Short | He asked me to guess how old he was. I said 25. He was 54. | We smile and wave sometimes |
Week 3 (14)
| Description | Length | Notes | Aftermath |
|---|---|---|---|
| Guy who wears wrestling shirt and has a home gym | Medium | Talkative. He likes to chat but doesn't initiate | I initiated one more conversation but now we don't interact |
| Landscaper who boxes | Medium | First conversation was good. We talked about boxing and Hyrox | We wave to each other if we're nearby |
| Girl who goes to Syracuse University | Short | My opening line was "Do you go to SU?" When she said yes, I didn't know how to continue, so I said I think I saw you at CVS. She was like probably and I didn't know what to do next but luckily she said "I gotta finish my workout." So I left. | I never saw her again |
| Guy who was tutored by my dad | Short | A small catchup conversation. I overcame my past perception anxiety to talk to him | We usually don't interact |
| Cousin of the guy who was tutored by my dad | Medium | Connected on the both of us being Vietnamese | We don't interact |
| Girl with red dyed hair | Medium | She dyed it herself and wants to try green next. She was fun to talk to | We wave to each other if we're nearby |
| Woman who brings her own barbell | Medium | Friendly. Her barbell is a special women's barbell. All the barbells at the gym are for men | I rarely see her |
| Girl with blonde dyed hair | Short | I asked her about her hair and she said she dyed it herself after watching TikToks. I didn't know what else to say after, so I left. | I never saw her again |
| Guy with good facial hair | Long | Seems like he's looking for friends too | We say hi to each other whenever we meet |
| Korean girl | Short | I didn't know how to start a conversation with her, so I just asked if she was Korean and she said yes. Then I made her guess what kind of Asian I am. Then I rambled about being Asian in Syracuse before leaving. | I initiated one more conversation but now we don't interact |
| The other Asian guy | Medium | I approached him because he was the only other Asian guy. He took the opportunity to ask me to spot him | We started working out together after realizing we did the same exercises. He made dinner for me and we watched a movie |
| Male SU student | Short | I talked to him on a whim because I was doing calf raises near where he was squatting. He said yes and I let him do his thing | We say hi to each other at the gym. When we finally had a full conversation, we exchanged Instagram. He later revealed that he was struggling with making friends in Syracuse. We went to Kofta Burger for dinner |
| Old gay with tattoo of Osiris eye | Medium | He said it was a mistake made in his youth | I rarely see him but we usually don't interact |
| Old guy who brought his own towel | Short | He was sweating like crazy | I never saw him again |
Week 4 (3)
| Description | Length | Notes | Aftermath |
|---|---|---|---|
| Guy who was doing exercise where you pick up barbell and lift it above your head | Short | I asked him what exercise he was doing. He explained but I wasn't really listening. | I never saw him again |
| Girl | Short | Nothing interesting really. Just said hi | We wave to each other |
| Guy with big calves (nursing student) | Short | I asked him for tips on growing calves and he didn't know. He said he did box jumps a lot. I did not want to do that | I never saw him again |
Week 5 (1)
| Description | Length | Notes | Aftermath |
|---|---|---|---|
| My old manager at Cake Bar | Short | They remembered me even though I only worked a weekend. We had a short catchup conversation | This was very recent so I have no updates |
Reflection
The first couple days were extremely difficult. I had been conditioned to believe that initiating a conversation with a stranger was weird and it was tough to break free from that. As a result, for the first few people, I would always make a detour at the last second, i.e. make a trip to the water fountain. I chickened out! The solution was to approach the person as quickly as possible so that I didn’t have time to think about running away.
Luckily, the first few people were receptive. I got a rush of dopamine whenever someone responded positively to my conversation, so talking to new people became strangely addictive. I kept talking to more and more new people each day until I talked to a whopping seven (SIX SEVENNN) new people in one day (this is why Week 3 has a lot of entries). It was crazy.
People didn’t always respond positively though. In Week 1 and Week 2, I came across a number of people who were really short with their responses and didn’t try to continue the conversation. They gave off the vibe that they didn’t want to talk to me. It was really awkward and almost made me end the experiment.
But over time, I came to accept that it’s ok if they didn’t want to talk to me. That’s just one of the things you have to expect when you do something like this.
And being in an awkward situation is actually not that bad. It sucks in the moment, but then you just take a few minutes to calm down and then you move on with your life. You’re ok.
However, I did end up pulling back in Week 4 and Week 5. I felt like constantly talking to more new people was producing diminishing returns. I had already established a connection with many people at the gym, so it was a better use of my limited time (remember I still have to work out!) to nurture those existing connections into meaningful ones.
I ended up prioritizing the 5-6 people I see and say “hi” to each day.
| Description | Conversation Length | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| Big guy who wears a brown hat | Long | I actually reached out to him on Instagram first. Then I met him that same day to continue the conversation |
| Guy who lives downtown | Medium | I asked him if he worked downtown since he looked familiar; he said no, but he lived there. |
| Woman who comes with her friend | Short | Comes with a friend to workout. I think she's from Columbia |
| Guy who works at lotte biologics | Medium | He likes to golf and eat salmon |
| The other Asian guy | Medium | I approached him because he was the only other Asian guy. He took the opportunity to ask me to spot him |
| Male SU student | Short | I talked to him on a whim because I was doing calf raises near where he was squatting. He said yes and I let him do his thing |
One of these people is someone I will refer to as “the other Asian guy”. I got a lot closer to him than expected. We realized we had the same workout routine so we became gym buddies and started working out together. A few weeks later, he invited me to his apartment, where he cooked me a smash burger. His girlfriend showed me graphic pictures of what she was learning in PA school too. Then, we watched a movie with their cat. I’m really grateful that they were kind enough to have me over as a guest.
Also, something new happened: instead of scaring people away, I had a positive impact on someone.
These texts were from one of the people I prioritized, the male SU student. He had recently moved to Syracuse and was struggling to make new friends. He related to a couple of my videos where I talked about the same struggles and was super appreciative that I talked to him that day. The following week, we tried out Kofta Burger after a recommendation from my friend who lives downtown.
The burger was delicious and we had a great time.
Despite my successes, my work isn’t done. I realized near the end of the month that what I truly wanted was to consistently hang out with people on the weekends. Unfortunately, most of the friends I’ve made are busy on the weekend. They’re taking trips to visit loved ones, going to the bar (I’m not that into drinking), or running errands, so it’s hard to plan anything.
But I guess that’s a better problem to have than eternal loneliness.
A few months ago, I was googling “how to make friends after college” every night. Now I have people to text, people to wave to at the gym, and people who notice when I don’t show up for a few days. AND I became a more resilient person who is unafraid to do hard and scary things.
No more Wizard of Loneliness for me!