Last week I completed 10 years in this city. I moved to New York in August, 2015. Emirates Airlines was gracious and let me carry 3(!) checked bags and a guitar as my carry-on. It was a comfortable flight. Not quite humble as far as beginnings go, but certainly a fresh start and full of hope.
I’ve now spent nearly a third of my life here, and this is as good a time as any to (re)write the narrative of what happened in the interim, repeat what bears repeating and perhaps cull details that only seem unnecessary in retrospect.
Scorecard:
| Category | Details |
|---|---|
| No. of apartments | 5 |
| No. of jobs | 3 full-time, 3 part-time |
| No. of shows played | 47 |
| Travel highlights | Mexico, Georgia, China |
| Most growth in | Music, Programming, Physical Strength, Dealing with people |
| Era-Defining Software | VS Code, Google Keep, Ableton Live, Twitter |
| Era-Defining Hardware | MacbookPro, Focusrite 2i4, MIM Telecaster, French Press, Sakura Pigma Micron Pen |
| Concerts I loved | Nils Frahm, Radiohead, Black MIDI, Kate NV, Juana Molina, Beak>, Peter Cat Recording Co |
This period neatly splits into 3-4 major phases or chapters for me, with the COVID-19 lockdown right in the middle of it. The early years focused on future-heavy pursuits and the honing of craft at heavy social cost, and the latter reaping some of the compounding benefits of all the honed crafts while also confronting a stronger sense of urgency about living life.
2015-17: Grad school
I came to New York City to attend graduate school at NYU. Coming from relative social isolation and over-indexed on the internet, the first two years here were a huge catch up period for me. Like everyone else, I arrived quite steeped in stories and media from or set in this city; shows like High Maintenance, Louie and Mad Men, and all the Brooklyn indie bands that shot to popularity and put on a pedestal by Pitchfork dot com. I really did idealize this city back then.
I drank out of the firehose of everything that was on offer. I quickly learned the subway system and treated skyscrapers like constellations to orient myself. I swore by bodega coffees, ranked pizzerias and kept a list of public restrooms. I showed up to indie shows, workshops and hackathons. I was a regular at Babycastles, the Monthly Music Hackathon, NYC Resistor, and the Radical Networks Conference. It was the peak of ZIRP-era tech-art-social gatherings, and I was here for it. Living in a city that was a guaranteed stop for every internationally touring artist meant that I got to see so many of my favorite musicians and bands perform live.
I miss the determination I had towards making things happen at the time. While chiefly working towards a masters degree in Electrical Engineering, I treated the program as a backdoor into the rest of NYU, and snuck into music and art schools frequently enough to be mistaken for an insider. This paid off when it led to an art project with the Times Square Alliance. Besides being intellectually stimulating, these two years were also a prolific period for me. I came out of this with a tiny portfolio of creative coding projects, some publications and research experience in video tech and nascent AI architectures (remember GANs?).
I was deeply into Information Theory and Cybernetics. Those ideas served as an important mental model of technology to me, and a crucial bridge between my background in electrical engineering and a career in software. It also proved to be an excellent keystone bridging all the stochastic processes and classical ML I was learning in school, with the noise and glitch art I consumed at galleries and basement venues. Years later, my work in streaming media and DRM would continue to be influenced by this, and my music would orbit around noise, degradation and glitch.
2017-2019: Instructions Unclear
I found myself in a software engineering job very soon after grad school, immersed myself in all things streaming media, and rapidly learned the ropes of frontend engineering. This was an important moment of non-linearity in life for me, where things changed faster than I could change my mind. The city was starting to change a little bit too – subway stations now had cell reception, and the Q train began going to UES instead of Astoria. I witnessed some of my favorite haunts shut down (RIP Chelsea Thai, 100 Montaditos, Dizen Goff, The Silent Barn and Longbow Pub & Pantry). The cultural fabric of Brooklyn changed too, though this would become a lot more overt in the years to follow.
Coming out of the sugarcane juice-press that is the hyper-competitive Indian education system, immigrating, and finding myself in a stable job brought about a huge identity crisis. Who was I if not a broke, struggling student? At 25, I confronted the sudden emptiness of schedules and social circles, a lack of goals or a burning desire to achieve anything. I thought this was what the rest of life was going to be like. Prevailing politics, the floundering and pontification that was “cancel culture” also steadily chipped away at my confidence in navigating society as an outsider at the time. I remember feeling out of sync with everybody, and deeply conflicted about focusing on personal challenges vs. caring about the world. It led me into becoming more of a recluse. Risky business.
I did continue to glorify the "miserable artist" life, and moved into a basement apartment with awful roommates to work on an album. It was a frustrating process because albums are just hard to make, and because of how I chose to do it. That said, I got my urge to imitate idols out of the system and got good at my craft through sheer rigor. That continues to serve me well. I also began participating more with LivecodeNYC around this time, figured out a way to perform my strange music, and met people that I am still close friends with.
I thought I had neglected life in the process of making that album, but now with more hindsight I can say it wasn’t entirely the case. While a vast majority of my time was spent in solitude, I still showed up to things, went to gatherings, events and on dates. I also did a lot of fluid acrylic painting around this time, and went through an obnoxious but very entertaining phase of all things slavic. I still make a mean pot of borscht and unconsciously swear in Russian while driving.
Early fluid acrylic experiments
Gift for an old lover
2019-2022: The Plague
My late 20s came with a pang of unmoulded anxiety from watching many friends settle into long-term relationships and marriages, getting promoted at work, finishing their PhDs, buying houses and such. I felt terribly behind on all of this.
I put the album out in 2019. Finishing the album, however, did not lead to the good feelings that I thought it would. I filled this void with travel and reconnecting with old friends. My short trip to Tbilisi and spending thanksgiving week in Blacksburg VA were a highlight. The latter kickstarted what is now a years-long tradition of drinking strange fermented beverages with a friend.
My plans to speedrun the catch-up process this time around quickly got killed by the COVID-19 pandemic, forcing me back into the isolated space that I’d spent 2 years crawling out of. Unlike the bleakness of the previous years, there was a frenetic energy that was searching for outlets this time. I flailed around a lot in this period – learned to read and write Farsi, built my own note-taking system like everyone else online, and endlessly made bowls of ramen from scratch until I got good at it. I continued making music; recorded a ton of weird demos in my bedroom, and played/streamed a few shows.
Outside too, 2020 was a strange time – the lockdown, the protests, the fireworks, curfew. The end of plastic bags in grocery stores, and the permanent damage to night life caused by the subway suspending services overnight. The pandemonium after the 2020 election results. More outdoor dining enclosures, Sunday streets and bike lanes. Another batch of local restaurants shutting down (Pels Pie Co, Broccolino, Parkside Pizza and many others), contrasted by an uptick in the cottage industry of homemade food. I became a regular at procuring homemade ricotta and kimchi from Brooklyn Cheese Lady, loaves of bread from Apt 2 Bread and the occasional vegan Gormeh Sabzi and Ash Reshteh from Bonshan Kitchen.
Work got moderately exciting as I spent more time working with databases and writing RPCs in PHP. Like everyone else in lockdown, I got more and more involved in online communities. I discovered TPOT and post-rats, read lots of Ribbonfarm and Epsilon Theory, witnessed the gestation and birth of Interintellect among other things. Some of that was a refreshing change from the endless vitriol online, while others were off-putting in their own way. This era of the internet felt like the culmination of my online existence. Social media has only gotten worse since then.
This was also when I began taking my health more seriously. I bought a bicycle and would ride on the empty streets of New York after work. The proximity to Prospect Park meant going on runs nearly everyday, and exercising at home. My diet and energy patterns stabilized a little bit, and other underlying mental health issues stared at me in the face. Lots of journaling and reading and therapizing. Trying to fix myself and failing, trying to love myself and also failing.
In 2021, I got back into sketching. I carried a sketchbook with me wherever I went, allowing it to become a travel companion, a documentation system and a mindfulness ritual. I generated a substantial body of work that served as source material for when I needed graphics to go with my music. As things started opening up, I focused on hyper-local outings, like showing up to my neighborhood community garden or playing weekly pickup soccer in the area.
Sketches and doodles making their way into other projects
2022-2025: Flashing Lights
The clouds of the pandemic and everything else shifted. I reunited with my family after 3+ years of not seeing them. All the flailing at work finally led to a promotion, and a series of job changes including a stint in an AI startup. I wrote lots of React, Python and FFMPEG. Working at a startup offered a steep and satisfying learning curve. Later, my time at Recurse Center got me back into the joy of recreational programming after years of steeping in the tech industry cynicism. I cycled through a lot of failed detours around this time such as teaching myself GPU programming, Rust and Haskell. I might revisit someday.
The sudden resurgence in social activities and flashing lights was disorienting and took a lot of time for me to get used to. A lot of friends moved away and others disappeared into relationships, leaving a huge void that I struggled to fill. Dating was mostly upsetting. I turned 30 in the middle of all this. I switched out running for lifting. By this time I had also moved into my own apartment, which offered the luxury of inviting people over and hosting parties. I have since settled into the annual rhythm of celebrating Diwali and solstices with people.
New York City had changed some more by this time, and I found it harder and harder to relate to. The sense of spontaneity that this city enabled was quickly replaced by tiktok-forward, hyper-curated outings that required reservations ahead of time. There was a heightened sense of urgency and desperation everywhere. The new incoming cohort of tech-enriched bay area transplants brought about a certain cultural rancidity. But most of all, I was (and continue to be) irked by the plummeting of walking speeds en masse. I don’t know if it’s long-COVID, smartphone addiction or just transplants refusing to integrate, but the sidewalks in the city move concerningly slower than they did a few years ago.
On the flipside, the world opening back up led to a ton of opportunities for me to play music. All the demoing and tinkering from the pandemic era finally led to a bloom. I felt an increased confidence in playing shows on very short notice. I’m the most prolific I’ve ever been in terms of playing live, and fully leaned into it as a response to the reclusive approach to my previous album. I played tens of shows in the city, presented twice at the ICLC, and toured Europe and East Asia. All this musicking and traveling also led to my first unambiguous and serious romantic relationship that I dove headfirst into, and enjoyed nearly every bit of.
This era, which I think I’m nearing the end of, is mostly characterized by a general sense of overwhelm, tiredness and exhaustion (in that order) surrounding the things that previously excited me. This might also simply be due to aging, and acquiring a past-heavy identity. The biggest change is my shift from "what do I do" flavor of panic, to "oh god what have I done" flavor.
A profoundly important rock
????
The last ten years have been full of adventures, scenic detours and deranged side quests (ask me about the time my carry-on luggage went to Brazil without me). New York is where most of my friends are. It has taught me how to be serious about things, and how to take myself a little less seriously. I learned to pick a direction and keep moving, and to value even the most transient of people in my life. Having outlived 2-3 trend cycles, I see the city a lot differently now and have a better sense for what is permanent and what isn't. That said, I also find myself burdened by the memories and baggage I’ve accumulated here. I suspect that the life I’ve built for myself here is a bit too robust and solid to accommodate for my own growth as a person. So perhaps a dangerous game of jenga is in order.
I moved here straight from India, so this is also ten years in the US for me, and the intervening years have exposed me to things that have, in equal parts, caused me to fall in love and to recoil in horror. I went over this briefly in my "does America have quality?" musing. There is a certain specific brand of freedom and acceptance I've tasted here that is hard to find elsewhere. Beyond the surface level liberties, there's a deeper freedom to be serious about whatever you want and to live by it. I value that a lot.
This city now ties with Hyderabad, which is where I've lived the longest. I guess I'm a real New Yorker now, whatever that means. I've lived in Brooklyn this whole time, starting in Bay Ridge, and hopping between Clinton Hill, PLG and Crown Heights. I realize I'm firmly a south/central Brooklyn guy. Although I briefly glorified the Bushwick artist life, actually living there never appealed to me. Williamsburg and the other landlocked neighborhoods in that corner of the city never drew me in either. I like areas close to the water and big parks — Prospect Heights, Brooklyn Heights and some of Park Slope. Living in Manhattan never crossed my mind, though there are some idyllic areas. Queens is starting to look better to me now.
New York City shines in motion blur. Having been single-minded and a free-floater at different periods, I can tell that this city serves you really well when you move with a clear sense of purpose. Conversely, it can suck everything out of you — your time, energy and spirit — if you lose sight of this and indulge in one too many side quests without a focus. I struggle to balance the two, or get over my own fear of missing out on things. While I feel more at home here than anywhere else, I continue to question if I'm really built for this city. I mentioned my determination in the early years, but I've also seen enough new kids move into the city and get a lot more done in their first year than I did in five. So how determined was I really? Hard to tell.
Looking forward, I don’t really know what the next ten years will be like. I also don’t know how many of them will be spent here. I find myself entertaining the possibility of moving somewhere with easier access to nature and more space and time to spend with the people I know and love. Weirdly, this idea of "limited time" here has renewed my need to experience this city deeply (I watched my first Broadway show earlier this year, and went to Baby's All Right last night). Careerwise, I am more interested in the world outside software, so perhaps now is the time to tinker with fabrication, and electronics – while I’m still surrounded by some of the most friendly ambitious tinkerers. Musically, I have a list of dream venues in the city to play at, and it seems increasingly more plausible that I might get that opportunity in the near future. Some of the biggest plot twists in my life arrived when I couldn’t fathom anything but a wide open future. This city has a knack for filling empty spaces in strange ways. So we’ll see.
