It happens every day:
- an employee comes to you with a question
- you (with the BEST of intentions) answer their question
- profit!
You answered their question. What’s wrong with that?
Sometimes it’s totally appropriate! If they need clarification, input, approval, or support, you should provide it.
But do any of these sound familiar?
- you tried getting work off your plate…but you’re still getting questions about it
- people are putting meetings on your calendar just so they can ask you questions
- you swear they could have answered that question on their own…why are they asking you?
- it feels like everything runs through you, and taking a week off would be impossible
If any resonated, I have good news! How you respond in Step 2 can change everything. It can add work to your plate, or take it off forever. It can help grow a capable employee, or make them more dependent on you. It deepen your company values, or undermine the culture you’re trying to build.
The exact physics of how this backfires
Every conversation has two simultaneous channels, the content (the words that are actually said, the ideas, the tasks, etc) and the process (everything else: what's unsaid, the question behind the question, the power dynamics, etc).
You know that fight with your partner about how they always leave their dirty socks on the floor? It's not about the socks. That's the content. It's about whose sock-handling preferences matter more. The process.
So jumping to answer their questions communicates two things:
- The content: The substance of your answer. The information and words you conveyed.
- The process: Yes, this IS the sort of thing you should get my input on. When unsure, bring back to me.
Sure, sometimes that IS the message you want to send! Maybe it’s a decision that genuinely should be on your desk. Maybe their question is more about making sure you support their next move. Maybe you’re the only one with info. Or maybe you weren’t actually clear enough in the first place. Then go ahead, answer their question! It’s what the situation demands.
But defaulting to “answer the question” will pull work back onto your plate, leave things incompletely handed off, and fill your calendar with meetings about questions. You’re telling them they’re not capable without you. Look, it comes from the best of intentions: you want to be helpful, you like having the right answer, you want to check this off and move on to the next thing. I get it!
The shift I’m suggesting is subtle: go from having the answers to helping them find the answers.
What does this actually look like? When they’ve asked their question and are looking at you expectantly, and the urge to share your brilliant input is crawling up your throat, what should you do instead?
Here's what to ask
Try asking these seven questions. This is the shortest possible cheat sheet of The Coaching Habit, an excellent and already compact book for managers that is absolutely worth your time, please buy it immediately. This set of carefully worded questions will help you resist jumping in as long as possible, stay curious, and create the space for the other person to take charge and find their own solutions—while still feeling supported by you.
It’s gonna feel awkward at first, but it’ll help when you see results pretty quickly. Look for askers to magically answer their own question, and leave your office saying “thanks, that was so helpful!” even when you said very little. Notice when you were about to take back a task…but then you didn’t need to! It gets truly addictive in a few months when you see how fast people grow.
The shortest possible version of the book’s script:
- Hey boss, [what do you think about this]?
Give her the answer.Say: “that’s a great question. I’ve got some ideas that I’ll share with you. But before I do, what are your first thoughts?…ok great! And what else?”
The goal isn’t to give NO answers. It’s to first leave the space for people to get there themselves. To stay curious a little longer, rush to action and advice-giving a little more slowly.
Second shortest version: The seven magic questions
(Put them on a stickie!)
- “What's on your mind?” (Gentle way to open the convo and get to the point)
- “And what else?” (See what other ideas they have; invite them to go deeper; resist giving advice too soon)
- “What's the real challenge here for you?” (Carefully worded to nudge them toward actionability; you avoid jumping on the wrong problem)
- “What do you want?” (Clarifies the end result; boost their autonomy by letting them define)
- “How can I help?” (Nudges them to articulate their request; stops you from offering help they’ll resist)
- “If you're saying Yes to this, what are you saying No to?” (Prompt them to consider the tradeoffs and opportunity costs)
- “What was most useful for you?” (Feedback for both of you)
Please note: “Have you thought about doing X?” and “What about Y?” are not actually questions. They are advice in question’s clothes. Everyone can tell. Resist! Stick to this script
The hardest part isn’t smooth delivery or remembering the words. The hardest part is resisting the Answer Monster: your own urge to jump in and solve things. Your urge to be helpful, to be useful, to be clever, to get them out of their pickle, to solve the problem so you both can move on. If you’ve had decades of being rewarded for acting on these urges, they're going to be especially strong.
It’s especially disorienting if you see Having The Answer as your core value to the team. If you’re not solving their problems, what are you even doing here?
If this made you gulp, it's a critical question to reckon with, because not answering it will keep you stuck fielding questions all day long, and no questions list will help. You gotta have a good strategic foundation for your tactics.
I'm going to take my own advice and leave it as an exercise for the reader! Or if you want to talk it through in coaching, just reach out.
Try it out
- Put the seven questions on a stickie. Can you try them three times this week?
- Who do you want to try this with first? Who might be up for it, and willing to cut you some slack?