Last updated 6 minutes ago
- hey, welcome to the sixty sixth weeknote!
- i am in a funk! mild depression/generally down vibes. as a result i have not done much this week, besides the necessary and unavoidable. i have had a lot of thoughts i will try and make legible.
- the main "bad" thought, to give value judgments my therapist would argue with, is that what is the point of anything i am doing? what's the point when it inevitably ends in death, and likely contains suffering for me and those around me and the wider world? i guess on some level i think this is surmountable as i am a lot less acutely sad than i have been when i have weird existential thoughts, but i am struggling to argue my way out of this one. maybe i just need to stretch more and eat more chocolate, talk to my friends... tend to myself.
- also, it's weird how much career (and also life!) stuff comes down to luck. i wouldn't be in software/websites at all given several very likely chance-based events, and from talking to people close to me a lot of their careers are like that too. i assume people who get to pick out a career off the career shelf as kids and follow their path from there are mostly doctor/engineer/lawyer types, and/or middle class and up.
- i have fallen off live streams for two weeks, and writing (a bit, i am still writing my journals) for the last week, i am feeling sad about my lack of ability to push through and just do things i know make me happy when i feel terrible. another friend is like, try and find structures outside of yourself to support things, cos a lot of the aforementioned luck is just having the necessary structures in place by accident. i think that's good advice and i will try and find more writing groups that are a little bit stricter and more formalised. i have no idea how to get any accountability on video stuff, very open to suggestions!
- i want to get to the point of roadworthiness, cycling wise, but i also accept the weather is rapidly turning and i am not close, so debating restarting in the spring. i want to get to the gym/powerlifting as well and having a bit of time back would mean 2 sessions a week was defs possible, and a third could probably be arranged eventually. i am sad it's taking me so long to cycle but i know it's just difficult to learn from scratch, never mind with ?dyspraxia or whatever i have going on lol.
- god i've been complaining/on the edge of complaint a lot in this entry. i am very grateful for most things about my life, just a bit sick of myself!
- cusdis has shut down??? which is sad, no comments for a bit. i still have my guestbook, and you can contact me whenever.
- i started reading james (huckleberry finn reimagining) as a friend was reading it. i am also reading a whole stack of writing craft books, enjoying tell it slant, on nonfiction, and a long game, on fiction.
- i have been eating bolognese, sticky tofu, buttered toast, strawberries, asparagus, and broccoli.
- i have been drinking not enough of any liquid, london fog, oat milk matcha, and too much whole milk.
- i hope you've had a fantastic week and next week treats you so well. 💟
- see you next week?
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